Warning from the Center for Disease Control, Atlanta HQ:
160010ZULU200512
East coast now over ridden with highly volitile contagion.
NC seen as ground zero for new found virus named NCWW2005, commonly known as Woodguy Disease. Epidemic exploded rapidly across local boundries and is considered to be the next global pandemic.
As this infectious virus spreads by every means, it is believed to be the most highly contagious affliction known to man. It primarily affects males, ages 6-80, although it will sometimes manifest in select female species of approximate age range.
New, daily reports of contagion spreading by various means, including but not limited to: viewing wood related products, tools and accessories from on-line sources, magazines, catalogs, stores and organized events.
Most Dangerous Course of Contamination: It appears due to prolific internet exposure among demographic previously disclosed, that this media must be considered the quickest means of the contagion spreading.
NO KNOWN CURE. POTENTIAL EXISTS FOR SEVERE FINANCIAL SETBACKS. FATALITIES NOT LIKELY, HOWEVER HIGHLY PROBABLE IN EXTREME CASES DUE TO SPOUSAL INTERVENTION.
FAMILIES WITH MORE THAN ONE MALE SHOULD QUARANTINE YOUNGER MALES OR RISK EXPOSURE TO ALL MEMBERS OF NUCLEAR FAMILY.
FAMILIES WITH HIGHLY ADVANCED DISEASE IN SINGLE MALE, WHERE NO MALE OFFSPRING ARE PRESENT BUT HAVE ONE OR MORE YOUNG FEMALE OFFSPRING, SHOULD TAKE APPROPRIATE PROTECTIVE MEASURES.
END PANDEMIC WARNING.
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